Jomeo and Ruliet
by Midnight Star and DragonFire
Summary: A parody on the play of Romeo and Juliet. What if Juliet loved the Friar while Romeo loved the Nurse who- *i've said enough!* This is *not* intended seriously! Has some stage directions...


# JOMEO AND RULIET

Scene 1 :_ Jomeo, Benvolio, Nurse _

(Jomeo is reading the play 'Romeo and Juliet' he flips to the back) 

Jomeo:Ay me! Benvolio, look! (Jomeo looks at him) 

In the end of this befuddling book, 

I do my life for love forsake! 

In this vile story I'll not…uh, partake! (gives book to Ben) 

Benvolio: Tis true, you are right 

How awful is this- this…uh (look around confused) 

Oh, damn this infernal Shakespearean talk! 

Jomeo, I have a solution!  
And we won't have to speak with this-this…Oh what's the use, nothing ever rhymes! 

(takes book and throws it away) 

Let us speak like normal beings do 

And make up our own story without further ado! 

Hey! I got it right! 

Jomeo:Great. Hey, I'm going to the Capulets house, to meet Tybaltette, my best friend. 

Benvolio:Careful, Jomeo, you know how much the other Capulets love us, they'd never let you go and fair kill you with love. (Jomeo stares at him) I know I know! Love can never stand in the way of friendship! 

(He goes off stage, Friar and Benvolio the other side) 

Nurse:(from off-stage) Ruliet, Ruliet, where art thou Ruliet?

Jomeo:Hey, you, lady, we don't need to speak Shakespearean any more.

Nurse:Oh, what a relief! Aren't you a Montague, what are you doing here? 

Jomeo:Aren't you a Capulet, where's Tybaltette? 

Nurse:No…I'm just that little brat Ruliet's nurse. It's always 'hold the mirror, Nurse' 'Do I have a smudge Nurse?' 'Comb my hair Nurse' or…- (interrupted by Jomeo) 

Jomeo:That's good, hey, you wanna go to dinner tomorrow? 

Nurse:Sure. Tybaltette's gone with Ruliet, to confession at the Friar's, I think. 

Jomeo:I'll meet them there. 

Nurse:Uh…maybe you shouldn't go. Ruliet…she- the Friar, oh, you'll see. Goodbye Jomeo, pick me up at 8! (smile) 

Scene 2 _Friar, Ruliet, Tybaltette, Jomeo _

(he goes off stage, Friar and Juliet are in confession. Tybaltette is praying)

Jomeo:Ruliet, Tybaltette? (Ruliet appears out of the confession box, adjusting her clothes, Friar comes out next, with a lipstick smudge on his cheek, he huriedly wipes it off) 

Ruliet:Jomeo! (Ruliet looks into a mirror) Have you come to look at my wonderful beauty, how perfect I am from head to toe, my perfect hair and my pretty eyes and oh- I have a smudge! (She adjusts her hair and makes faces into the mirror) My utter perfectness! How do I live with me? 

Jomeo:(leaves Juliet gazing at herself in mirror) Tybaltette, thatpig-faced, vile-hearted, clay-brained, rabbit-sucking scoundrel Mercutio has challenged me! 

Tybaltette:Oh, wonderful! That Mercutio couldn't hit an elephant a foot away and you _are the King of Cats. Let's go, I love a fight!_

(as they leave Friar whispers) 

Friar:Ruliet, I think it's time for another…confession.

Ruliet:Of course, Friar, just a second. (smiles) Tybaltette, are you going to fight Mercutio? 

Tybaltette:No but I'm going to cheer for Jomeo, gotta go, Rulie. 

Ruliet:See ya. (turns to Friar) She's always been a tomboy. I hope they don't hurt him, you know my Nurse, right? She's engaged to him and is gonna be heartbroken if he's hurt, and she's awful like that. Wouldn't even hold the mirror straight while I arranged my hair! 

Friar:I hope they don't hurt him, too, he's my brother's, cousin's, uncle's, aunt's, friend's, room-mate's, plumber's, daughter's,teacher's, sister's son. We're very closely related. 

(Ruliet looks at Friar, then they leave, shaking heads) 

Scene 3 _Jomeo, Tybaltette, Mercutio, Ruliet, Friar, Princess/Nurse _

(Jomeo and Tybaltette are walking)

Jomeo:Tybaltette, I met the love of my life today! She's Ruliet's nurse, where do you think I should take her out to dinner? 

Tybaltette:I don't know- (interrupted by Mercutio, sword drawn) 

Mercutio:Jomeo, you villain! Draw your sword! (Jomeo does) 

Jomeo:Let's see who's the better swordsman! 

Tybaltette:Jomeo, Mercutio, the Princess has forbidden fighting in the street! (She holds Mercutio's hands for Jomeo to strike him, Jomeo jabs, Mercutio falls) 

Tybaltette:He's…dead. You killed him! 

Jomeo:Oops. (covers mouth with hands) What a mess! (sarcastic) 

Tybaltette:The Princess will behead you for this! I'll go find the Friar, maybe he can help. (she leaves) 

Jomeo:(under his breath) If he's not too busy with Ruliet! (He bends and looks at Mercutio's sword, then at his own, he quietly places his own in Mercutio's hand, takes Mercutio's) Nice sword, Mercutio! 

Ruliet:Jomeo! (He turns, startled) What! Mercutio's dead! My Nurse will be terrible for ages now! Is my hair okay? 

Jomeo:Why? 

Ruliet:They're engaged, stupid!She wouldn't even comb out my hair properly and didn't even tell me that I had a smudge on my nose last time he got hurt! But is my hair ok? 

Jomeo: Forget that…but…I'm taking Nurse out to dinner tomorrow. (Nurse arrives on scene with Friar and Tybaltette)

Nurse:And you will, too! 

JomeoNurse! 

and Ruliet: 

Friar:What are you talking about, it's the Princess! 

JomeoWhat!? 

Ruliet and 

Tybaltette: 

Princess:Yes, it's true, I'm actually the Princess. I disguised myself as Nurse to find out about a certain Friar doing inappropriate things…(She stares at Friar and he looks away, humming) 

Tybaltette:What about the matter of Jomeo killing Mercutio? 

Friar:Mercutio's dead! Mercutio my brother's, cousin's- (interrupted by Ruliet) 

Ruliet:Oh, shut _up Lawrence- uh…Friar, uh…oh forget it! _

Princess:Who's to say that it was Jomeo who did it…perhaps someone else killed him. Yes. Someone else slew Mercutio, I'm sure. 

Jomeo:But weren'tyou engaged? 

Princess:(looks down) well, sort of…um- (interrupted by Friar, Jomeo looks away and Nurse sighs in relief) 

Friar:But I demand justice! 

Princess:Look, Friar, I could send you to prison for the rest of your life, instead, if you shut up about this, I'll banish you and Ruliet and you can marry her and live happily ever after in Mantua. Still want justice? (smiles) 

Jomeo:Nurse, I mean, Princess, will you marry me? 

Princess:Duh, of course, I mean, why else would I do all this? 

Tybaltette:But who shall we say killed Mercutio? 

Princess:Oh, Tybaltette, that you of all people should ask! How could you? You who killed Mercutio while Jomeo tried to stop you. You must be punished for your terrible deed. (sighs sadly)

Tybaltette:Jomeo, please, friend, do not let her behead me! 

Jomeo:Hey, Tybaltette, buddy, it's you or me, too bad it's you. (shrugs) 

Tybaltette:Ruliet! Please, cousin, help. 

Ruliet:Hey, I'm gonna get married soon, if the Princess doesn't agree, then Lawrence's going to jail. Who would marry me if they knew about him? (she picks up Mercutio's (actually Romeo's ) sword and looks at herself) Oh, that my only female cousin's a murderer, thank goodness it doesn't show in my face!

Princess:Everyone agrees that it was you who did it, Tybaltette. Too bad… 

Tybaltette:Oh, I am Fortune's fool! 

Friar:I really like this ending 

It's better than everyone dying 

I say we're better than Shakespeare 

And I'm certainly not lying. 

Jomeo:I really like the idea 

Of a great Princess 

If it was a lawful Prince 

I'd surely have one head less! 

Princess:The perfect ending to 

This perfect tale would be 

For me to start following the law (looks at Ruliet) 

And for Ruliet to lose her vanity. 

Ruliet:Vain, me? You must be mistaken 

I'm very modest, not at all vain 

I never care how I look (looks down at her dress) 

Oh no, it's a stain! 

# Tybaltette:Looks like I'm the only one

Who hates this terrible end 

Oh, well, we really must go 

We have pressing matters to attend. 

Princess:That's right, a double banishment (counts on her fingers, silence, Ruliet is looking at herself, Nurse elbows her) 

Ruliet:Oh! And a double wedding 

Jomeo:The making of a great Prince 

Tybaltette:And an unfair beheading. (sigh) 

The End!!!! 


End file.
